I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
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DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
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I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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