I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
