my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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