Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
