i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
