I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
