I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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