We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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