The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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