3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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