remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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