Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
