I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
