You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
