She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
