so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
