can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
