awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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