i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
