Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
