i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
No subtext here. People are naked.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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