Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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