what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
