I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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