i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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