we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
