I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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