DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
