I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
