You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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