she woke up with a sticky ear
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
