dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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