I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
