I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
