I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
