It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
