he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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