if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
