I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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