"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize