Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
