Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
