So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
