I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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