He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
