When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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