i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
