I didn't shave. On purpose
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
