3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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