My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
