trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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