the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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