you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
