I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This baby is an asshole
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
