I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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