she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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