dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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