i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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