sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
