dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
