I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
